BASED IN
NORTHERN VIRGINIA, CONSCIOUS DIARIES IS A BLOG BY TINA UNRUE.
HER POSTS EXPLORE WHAT IT MEANS TO BE CONSCIOUS AND ITS IMPACT IN HER WORLD.

Shutting Down My Fear

Shutting Down My Fear

I started this blog as a means by which to share my thoughts and struggles, and hopefully successes, about practicing consciousness.  To that end, I find myself writing today about something I blogged about only a few short days ago.  Why would I write about it again, especially at the expense of sounding repetitive?  Because it's my life - I'm an authentic and real kind of gal and it's what came up for me.

So, what happened?  Anxiety/fear happened.*

My chest was tight this morning as I anticipated a conversation I had to have at work later in the day.  I was questioning what others would think of me.  Would they think I was dumb, or even an outright idiot?  Would they whisper amongst themselves afterward that I didn't have my shit together?  Although I only felt the stress for about an hour, that was more than I would have liked.  I'm glad that it was only an hour.

How'd I get it to go away?  Yep, I became conscious.  I took deep breaths and made the conscious choice to stop the thought.  I did that by telling myself that it would work out fine.  I told myself to just wait and respond in the moment, as necessary.  I also told myself that regardless of what others may think of me, it'll all be ok.  I can't control anyone else's reactions or thoughts about me, but I can control my own.  I know I don't need the validation of others, and that's certainly not what I was seeking.  Once I told myself that, about a hundred times over the course of the hour, the pain and the thoughts subsided.  Whew!

So, how'd the meeting go?  Well, to be honest, it didn't go as smoothly as I had hoped.  I don't feel like I did a terrible job.  After it was over, though, I beat myself up a bit about it.  I wished I had done a better job.  But, reflecting on it now as I type, I actually don't think I could have done any better or differently.  Again, the situation was a bit unique, and it was new territory for me.  So, I am actually proud that I put myself out there and did my best.  (That's all I ask of my daughter.  Why should I be held to any different standard?)  And, in the end, I got what I needed.  So, by that measure alone, it was a success!

I love talking myself through this stuff!

While I wrote about this from a slightly different aspect just a few days ago, it's really the same thing.  With that said, I don't think it surfaces for me all that often, at least not to the extent it did today anyway.  It isn't like me to let these thoughts brew to the point they manifest in physical form.  The circumstance was a bit unique, however.  I'm sure that aspect contributed to my heightened concern and resulting stress.

This is one reason I'm writing about my experiences daily - maybe there's something I'm missing, so I'll keep an eye on this.  I have a lot more to say on this topic, but I will hold it for tomorrow.

Be open to what comes.

*I acknowledge many suffer from anxiety and cannot make mindset choices easily, if at all.  I am posting only from my personal experience and what has helped me, and may be beneficial to others.  This post is not intended to serve as medical advice.

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