My day started at 3:30am this morning. I awoke and couldn't go back to sleep. I was ruminating about yesterday's events, the one wherein I felt like a Mack truck drove over my back, and then backed up and ran over me again.
I tried to talk my brain out of thinking about what transpired, how it transpired, any responsibility on my part, etc. I told my brain how ridiculous it was! My brain didn't listen. I looked at the clock and admonished my brain for even thinking of the events at the unreasonable hour. I tried to turn my attention to my breath, hoping that I'd relax and fall asleep. That focus change only held for about 10 seconds before my brain redirected its attention back to "the incident."
This cycle of ruminating, then trying to pay attention to my breath lasted for about two hours. Yes, two hours. I feel asleep about 15 minutes before my alarm clock. Yep...
Surprisingly, I was fine most of the day. But now, I'm tired and really cranky.
I know that in a day or two, "the incident" won't have such a hold over me. Even as I type that, I know how crazy that sounds. It doesn't have control over me, but at 3:30am this morning, it certainly felt like it did. While I know that I can choose to think about whatever I want, sometimes that choice doesn't feel as easy as I'd like.
Be open to what comes.