BASED IN
NORTHERN VIRGINIA, CONSCIOUS DIARIES IS A BLOG BY TINA UNRUE.
HER POSTS EXPLORE WHAT IT MEANS TO BE CONSCIOUS AND ITS IMPACT IN HER WORLD.

God's Grace

I'm coaching myself through the issue I had as of late with feeling weird about good things coming my way.  I'll give examples:

  1. The new house.  It will have everything I've ever wanted.  And it's odd.  In addition to things I've wanted forever, ideas will pop into my head (like a large center island where cabinet color is darker than the other cabinets - I like that look).  And, wouldn't you know it...that specific option is either brought up by the builder or I ask and they say yes, it can be done.
  2. My new job.  It's like a dream come true.  I'm back to doing the work that I've always loved to do.  I have an amazing boss and team members.

These are just two examples of things that have happened within the last few months where I question what I've done to deserve this goodness.  There's more where this came from though.

Without full context, I know others can't comment on whether it's "normal" to question receiving such favor.  I'm someone who is typically very logical.  I'm happiest when things "make sense."  For me, this doesn't make sense.  I've reflected on this more than once over the past couple of days and I continue to be amazed.  Yes, I've worked hard and sacrificed.  But, I still feel I haven't done anything special to have such an amazing life.  I feel like I must contribute more to deserve this.

That's the kicker for me...that the contribution must equal the outcome.  For example, I chaired a large school event last year and did a shit ton of work.  I had a great team helping me.  But I damn well deserved the thank you's and attaboy's I received.  I worked my ass off.  I had no issue receiving goodness then.  That's not to say I expected it, but I certainly accepted it.

This type of goodness is different.  The only term I can come up with is favor...God's favor.  I feel like this type of goodness you don't get from executing a project or a task.  It's just grace, pure and simple.  I feel immensely unworthy and as grateful as I could possibly be.

Yeah...that's what I have to label this as for now.  Grace.  And I haven't found a way to have it make sense.  It just is.

Be open to what comes.

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