I have internal conflict rising inside me. Conflict between what should happen and what is not happening and how I bridge the gap.
I did some work for which I am due compensation. I was told compensation would be provided. I patiently waited for a few months while I expected the process to "work out." But, as I said...it's been a few months. Now I find myself feeling the need to inquire about said compensation.
Practicing my consciousness <imagine smiley face emoji here>, I started to analyze why I was in such conflict. Why was I so uncomfortable with the idea of asking about the status of my compensation?
The first thought that ran through my mind was the fear that the organization is going to try and get out of paying me. That then started to make my blood boil. Then I had to tell myself to calm down. There's no proof of that, so no need to go there. (Easier said than done...)
The second thought was, even if they find a way around it and don't pay me, I didn't do the work for the money anyway; so does it really matter if I'm not compensated? I ran that thought down and the short answer was hell yes! It's not about the money, it is about policy and the general principle of it all. Anyone else having done what I did would have been paid. There is absolutely NO reason I should be denied compensation.
Another thought was whether I feared asking for what I want. If so, what was the issue? I ran this thought down too. I do have a fear of rejection (maybe not the best word). More specifically, I fear learning that they either don't value my work, won't honor their policy, or are simply trying to find a way around doing the right thing.
I was then led to my final thought, which really resonated with me. I value honesty and integrity. To that end, I expect this organization to be honest in their dealings and handle engagements with integrity. Because no one has reached out to me thus far about the status, and simply because it's not resolved already, I am fearing a conflict between the organization's values/intentions and mine. I believe that feared conflict of values, in and of itself, is the primary driver of my angst.
I am disappointed that I even have to ask about the status. Hands down, that's the most distressing aspect. The thought that I MAY have to fight for what's right upsets me. But, I'm also conscious enough to realize that I've not yet engaged them. Maybe the check is in the mail and I'll receive it tomorrow.
I'll take the evening to gather my thoughts. And tomorrow morning, I will ask for what I deserve and I'll go from there. Wish me luck!
Be open to what comes.