We've had some phenomenally hard days recently. Why? We're growing.
You. You are growing and maturing. As such, you're fighting for independence, attempting to find your place in the world, dealing with increasing difficulties - socially, emotionally, and academically, and more.
Me. I'm growing and maturing along with you. As such, I'm fighting for control, attempting to figure out how to raise you in this world, dealing with increasing challenges as you mature, and more.
Yesterday, we had a really rough evening. Neither of us liked the hurt, the yelling, or the tears.
We managed to get through the moment and spent some valuable time together before you went to bed for the evening. Later while I laid with you in bed, I apologized that we had a rough night. You apologized too. I then told you I loved you more than anything. You replied, "Sometimes it doesn't feel like it." Shortly thereafter, your hand grew heavy in mine and your eyelids grew even heavier.
Ouch. That hurt.
Looking at your beautiful face falling quickly into slumber, I was amazingly conscious in that moment. I initially felt the pain that came with your honest statement. It was like a shotgun to my heart. I strive to behave in a manner that communicates you are loved. I've always wanted you to feel love, even in the midst of our difficulty. I missed the mark and was disappointed in myself.
I then felt twinges of denial/frustration. I wanted to disavow the statement. I wanted to believe that you didn't realize how often I do show love.
While I am still processing my thoughts, there are two things I want you to know: 1) You are always loved, even in the midst of my imperfection; and 2) While a part of me would rather have not heard those six words, the other part of me is honored that you felt safe enough to tell me the truth, to share your feelings, your hurt.
My final thoughts on this tomorrow. Love you mostest.
Be open to what comes.